A lifetime of living with Depression

In season two I have a new series called Reach for the Healing: It's o.k. to not be o.k!
This week I will talk about how I handle what I call my best friend, depression. I will talk about medication, stigma, and more.

Transcript

“It’s the Salt for me”

Season 2, Episode 1

Reach for the Healing

A Lifetime of Depression 

It’s o.k. to Not be o.k.

Hey! Welcome to Season 2, Episode 1 of “It’s the Salt for me, brought to you by “The Salty Christian.” I’m your host, Marie. If you could, please subscribe, share, and leave a review. I’ll be posting new episodes every other Tuesday.

I’m back! But before I get into this episode, I wanted to take a minute to catch you up with what’s been going on with me. So, first and foremost, as far as my little hiatus goes, I’ve been taking care of my mental health. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks most of my life. While I took medication many years ago, I weened myself off because I thought I was doing ok, until I found out I wasn’t. I finally decided that it was time for me to take care of my mental health again, and I got to tell you, I feel so much better than I did – which I’ll talk more about in this week’s episode. 

This week, I want to introduce a new series that I will talk about from time to time, called, “Reach for the Healing!” whether it be mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I think everyone has, at one point or another, required some level of healing. In this first episode, I want to talk about mental health, specifically, my bestie, depression. I’ll share where I’m at, where I’ve been, and how it’s going. Oh…just fyi, I am not a therapist, I struggle with mental health, so take whatever I say that applies to me and do your own research! 

As I said before, I have dealt with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks for most of my life. Today, I will focus on depression. I honestly think that depression is something that has been in me since I was a child. It feels like an invisible dark cloud hovering over me all the time. It lets me have a good time, but always puts me back in my place. When did this start? I remember when I was little – couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7 – crying every night when I got in my bed and asking God to let me die first so I wouldn’t have to see anyone in my family die. Come to think of it, maybe it was because by that time, I had been to more funerals than I care to remember. Maybe it was because I was traumatized by being taken to so many open casket funerals of people I loved. Hmph. Maybe this is something that I’ve carried with me all these years, not realizing the damage it did to me.  Keep in mind that I didn’t know what this was that I was feeling.

Growing up, I was the one who always tried to make sure everyone was ok. Make sure everyone was laughing. I was also the spoiled, carefree happy child. I was truly all of those things, but I was also really sad. Nobody ever knew how I was really feeling, and nobody would ever suspect that I was depressed or sad because that’s not the part of me I showed people. Including myself. I really didn’t understand it, but something inside of me told me I had to keep it secret. If something was going on with me, nobody would ever know. Cause my momma ain’t raised no punk. I was embarrassed to let people know if I was hurt or sad - Family included, so, I kept everything inside. I would wait until it was time to go to bed and go into my room and cry. I stored everything in the vault my entire life. When I hit my twenties, I found out that my momma did, in fact raise a punk cause that vault blew the f&*&^ up!   

I pretty much forced myself to live with my depression all my life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had great times in my life. My depression seems to hit me whenever I have too much time to think. When I hit my twenties, around 23, 24, I started getting bad panic attacks. By this time, I had been through more shit than I feel like I deserved – that’s a story for another lifetime. But I believe that it was because of the trauma I had been through that my depression came to a head and I think I had/still have PTSD and from there it caused me to have panic and anxiety attacks. Basically, I was a hot fucking mess! I won’t get into my other besties – anxiety and panic attacks today, but boy do I have some stories to tell about them!

Anyway, my doctor at that time prescribed medication for depression and that just made it worse – which can happen sometimes. If I’m being honest, I was a hot mess for about a good year before they finally figured out a combination of medicines that worked on me. I would cry at the drop of a dime. It was the lowest of the lows.

I never thought I would have any type of normalcy again. No happiness. No peace. No joy. They had to increase then decrease my medicine, then change it all together. I felt hopeless. All the while, I still went to work because I had kids to feed. I never let on to them what was going on with me. I wanted to shield them from my mental health issues. I wanted to make sure they didn’t think I was sad because of anything they had done or not done. At the time, I just wanted to get into bed and not get up until I felt better. In hindsight, I’m glad I forced myself to keep going. I think if I had gotten into bed, well, let’s just say, I’m thankful that I didn’t.

About a year later, the doctor prescribed Wellbutrin to take on top of the other medicine I was taking. She told me to start it the next morning. I filled the prescription and went home. Out of desperation to see if it would work, I decided I wasn’t going to wait until the morning, and I popped one in my mouth and hoped for the best. About 20 minutes later, I swear for God, something happened. I don’t even know how it happened that fast. I was sitting outside and all of a sudden, the colors became so vivid. It was like the fog had lifted and I was finally able to see clearly. I felt an inner peace. I remember just sitting there smiling. I had never experienced this sort of feeling before. I felt energized. I could organize my thoughts. I. Was. Fucking. Happy. And it wasn’t a fluke. I kept feeling better and better as each day passed. I wasn’t even getting the full effects of the medicine yet and the cloud was gone. I was walking around like John Travolta in his white suit!

A couple years later when I decided to ween myself off all medication. Frankly, I should have never stopped taking them. But yeah…I stopped taking them after a while because, you know, I felt great, had it under control, didn’t really need it anymore. Or so I thought. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions with some people who take medications. Sometimes we think that because we are feeling better, we don’t need the medicine anymore. Unfortunately, it doesn’t click that the reason we are feeling better is because of the medicine. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is different. Some people may not need medication their entire life. Some people may not need medication at all. I’ve found out that I am not one of those people. It’s been a good 20+ years since I stopped my meds and brought my bestie back. I’m older and wiser now and I’m tired. It finally hit me. I don’t have to feel this way, and why would I want to feel sad and depressed and have anxiety and panic attacks if I don’t have to? Why can’t I talk about it? Why not get the help that is out there? What do I care what these assholes think about people with mental health issues? In all my years of living thus far, I have found out that when I have told people about my mental health issues, 9 out of 10 times, they are struggling too and just kept it to themselves. Ain’t that some shit? They are always more than happy to listen or be there if I am struggling. They check on me. They love me.

I wish I knew what all of this was when I was younger. Nobody talked about mental health. When I was growing up, they had mental health hospitals that people lived in. All we knew was that that was where the “crazy” people went, and we did not want to end up there. And that’s probably why people don’t want to talk about it now and there is so much stigma. Everybody’s got a lil’ crazy going on – whatever that means. Some people just aren’t as bad as others. Whatever the case may be, if people would just mind their fucking business and be nice. We probably would have the stigma around mental health and people would feel free to get the help they need without feeling some type of way.

What always occurs to me is the difference between mental health issues and physical disabilities. By that, I mean, if you see someone with a physical disability, you are most likely going to have empathy because it’s something you can see, but you can’t see depression or anxiety if someone doesn’t want you to. 
 With practice, it’s easily hidden. So, you don’t have a lot of empathy. You might just think your friend is tripping or going through something. That’s why they don’t call like they used to or want to get together. She’ll be alright. He’ll be alright. 

But. We. Won’t. We won’t be alright because we are in hiding out of fear that it would be too much for you and we would end up alone in our thoughts because now everybody thinks we are “crazy” whatever that means. 

The church will tell you to pray. Yes, absolutely pray and then go to a psychologist/psychiatrist and get therapy and if you need it, medication. There is no shame in that! 

I want you to imagine you’re in a crowd of people (and I read this somewhere) but imagine you’re in a crowd. Look around and find the happiest person in the room. That is most likely the saddest person in the room. That was me. On the outside, I was good. On the inside, I was dying. 

Just be kind to people. It costs nothing. If you see someone acting out of anger, being mean. Instead of talking crap, shut up and mind your business. Something horrible could have just happened to them and their sadness comes across as anger. They may not know how to feel what they are feeling. They don’t need your shit on top of it too.

You never know what people are going through. You may think you know someone inside out, but you know what? You know everything they want you to know about them. They may not tell you what’s really going on with them so check on your friends. Check on your family. Check up on strangers you come across while you’re out. 

You may just save a life. 

I took a mental health hiatus, and it was the best decision I could have made! I went and talked to my doctor and started a medication regimen. I was on two different medications. I didn’t necessarily feel sad. I felt like I just didn’t care about a damn thing. At first, I was fine with that. Anything is better than feeling sad. It was going fine, but then the dark cloud started trying to creep back. I immediately went back to my doctor and asked her to add Wellbutrin to it. She didn’t want to do that. She changed my medication again. So annoying. I had told her what it did before, but she has other ideas. I waited another month to see if the new medicine would work. It didn’t. The cloud was in full effect. I went back to my doctor and this time, she heard me. She added the Wellbutrin. I gotta tell you, it didn’t feel magical like the first time I took it, but it works. I’m not sad. I don’t feel depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around with flowers shooting out of my ass, but I’m good. The best I have been in a long time, and I will never stop taking my medication again. 

There is a song I highly recommend you listen to called “Dear God” by Smokey Norful. 

Remember to watch how you treat people. When you make it to the gates of heaven, I don’t think Jesus is gonna say glad you stayed away from those crazies! No, it’ll be more along the lines of, how did you treat the people with mental health issues that I sent your way? What will you say?

If you are feeling suicidal go to your nearest hospital or call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Check out our website at thesaltychristian.com where you will find several mental health resources as well. We have also started selling merchandise! Whenever you buy from any of our collections, 10-20% of all profits will be used to help provide access to community mental health, homelessness, hunger, and a plethora of other programs.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this episode. I hope this will encourage you to stop worrying about the stigma and reach for the healing! Let God do the worrying for you. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can always email me at thesaltiestchristian@gmail.com. and I will respond at my earliest opportunity.

I again invite you to subscribe, share and leave a review.

I’ll catch you on the next episode of “It’s the Salt for Me.” Until then, be blessed and be a blessing